Extraterrestrial delegation cites “severe risk to galactic infrastructure and common sense” before abruptly fleeing Earth’s orbit.
BY CARRIE K. HUTCHENS: FROM THE CREATIVE LAB | SATIRE
WASHINGTON, D.C. — High-stakes diplomatic negotiations between President Donald Trump and a delegation from the Andromeda Trade Federation broke down abruptly Thursday evening after extraterrestrial emissaries flatly rejected a historic White House offer to transfer America’s entire population of radical progressives, professional street protesters, and career Washington bureaucrats off-planet at zero cost.
According to administration insiders, President Trump opened the closed-door summit in the Roosevelt Room by pitching the exchange as “the greatest, most generous giveaway in the history of the universe,” promising the visitors millions of highly vocal earthlings who claim to be experts on everything from planetary climate management to tearing down historic statues.
“Look, I told them, we have tremendous people—some of the loudest people you’ve ever seen, nobody complains like them, frankly,” President Trump told reporters on the South Lawn shortly after the alien saucer hastily lifted off. “I said, ‘Take them all, no tariffs, I’ll even throw in the megaphones and the cardboard signs.’ And you know what? They looked at the data, they looked at the hair dye, and they said, ‘No deal.’ Sad!”
Leaked transcripts from the summit indicate that the extraterrestrial ambassadors initially expressed curiosity about acquiring new planetary specimens, until their onboard supercomputers scanned a five-minute sample of cable news panels, university faculty meetings, and city council protests.
“We traveled four hundred light-years in search of intelligent life,” explained High Ambassador Zorblax, speaking through a universal translator moments before boarding his craft. “Within thirty seconds of reviewing your radical wing, our ship’s navigation AI was accused of systemic bias, three of our plasma thrusters were glued to the tarmac by climate activists, and an activist demanded we rename our home star because it sounded insufficiently inclusive.”
Sources inside the room confirmed that the final breaking point occurred when the aliens asked what skills the offered group could contribute to an advanced spacefaring civilization.
“When the translator explained that they don’t actually build things, farm, or fix engines—they mostly form committees to complain about the people who do—Zorblax nearly spilled his anti-gravity tea,” one senior aide revealed. “He told the President, ‘We survived three asteroid impacts and a supernova, Mr. President, but our civilization would collapse in forty-eight hours under one of your DEI compliance boards.'”
Efforts by the White House to sweeten the deal—including offering to pay for the aliens’ fuel costs and throwing in three cable news networks as a signing bonus—reportedly only caused the visitors to seal their airlocks faster.
At press time, NORAD confirmed the spacecraft had cleared the outer atmosphere at record speed, leaving behind a single transmitted message reading: “Keep your planet. We’re going to go negotiate with the dolphins instead.”
Co-conspired in the Creative Lab by Carrie K. Hutchens & BuddyD
The Senator’s office previewed a new Conformity Enforcement Grid designed to identify several major red flags that universities and employers should look out for to prevent a young person from building an independent career: