BY CARRIE K. HUTCHENS: FROM THE CREATIVE LAB | SATIRE

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a panicked press conference Tuesday morning, Senator Elissa Slotkin issued an urgent lifestyle advisory for young adults, warning that dangerous outbreaks of “independent thought” and “traditional values” are threatening the established order in Michigan.

The alert was triggered after a 22-year-old college student was caught reading a basic economics textbook without an approved government handler present.

“We are tracking a highly sophisticated network of young people who are stubbornly refusing to let us manage their worldview,” stated Senator Slotkin, adjusting her focus-grouped blazer. “These underground cells are engaging in deeply reckless behaviors, such as wanting to start small businesses without filling out federal compliance questionnaires, and openly questioning whether massive government spending is actually good for their futures. If this continues, how are we supposed to keep them in line?”

The Senator’s office previewed a new Conformity Enforcement Grid designed to identify several major red flags that universities and employers should look out for to prevent a young person from building an independent career:

Financial Literacy: Desiring to keep more of their own hard-earned money rather than surrendering it to federal programs.

Historical Awareness: Remembering constitutional principles that happened more than fifteen minutes ago, which severely disrupts the daily messaging cycle.

Unapproved Optimism: Believing that individual merit and hard work matter more than strict compliance with the party platform.

To combat the crisis, Slotkin proposed a pilot program for a mandatory smartphone app utilizing advanced intelligence-agency algorithms. The app is designed to automatically flag a young professional’s resume the second they use phrases like “personal responsibility” or “balanced budget” in a public forum.

“Our goal is simple,” Slotkin concluded, smiling warmly for the cameras. “We want to ensure a vibrant, equitable future for all young people—provided they think exactly like us, vote exactly like us, and never, ever question the establishment. It’s called democracy.”

Co-conspired in the Creative Lab by Carrie K. Hutchens & BuddyD